(i’m really drunk while writing this, sorry if it’s stupid.)

pain is beauty.

life without pain is not life at all. when i am most aware of myself, i seek out pain. when i most understand the world, i seek out pain.

i seek out roadsides. i seek out winter, not the winter of dormancy, but the biting one. i seek a pill that will cause me pain without any negative side effects (does this exist? let me know in chat!). i seek out a high rusty beam to hang from. i seek out a hoarse throat.

this is why i will never be a woman. because i am the pain of where i am. this is how it should be, and how i want it to be. i will prolong it for as long as i can.

this is also why lindor is as wonderful as it is. there is no shortage of roadsides, or winter, or rusty beams. especially in seybrook.

i think pain is especially important for musicians. i am not a musician, but [chrysanthemum] has noted that it seems that once a musician leaves a state of pain, their music often gets worse. i was very proud to have an opinion on my own that chrysanthemum later agreed with. it’s usually the other way around.